Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
