There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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