when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
