saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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