3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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