well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
