Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
