the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
