i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
