just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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