i can't believe i had my finger in that
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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