Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
