I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
