Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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