I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
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