U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
just tell him i said nine months
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize