Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize