I think I won the penis lottery.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
