2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
