First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
