If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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