forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize