Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
