I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
