he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize