Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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