I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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