i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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