When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
