he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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