that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
