i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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