I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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