so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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