considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
