I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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