He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
