you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
