this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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