dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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