went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
