i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
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