do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize