He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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