Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
