rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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