Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
