he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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