I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Drake has all the answers
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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