i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize