he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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