Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Randomize
