new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize