there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
