She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
