I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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