btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
