How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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