I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
