if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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