If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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