she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
